Sunday, May 6, 2012

For the love of..


I went on an emotional roller coaster this week. Not just emotionally, but physically, mentally, spiritually and jelly. I am at the edge of breaking down and sobbing like a fat kid but then I am holding back as much as I can. As I am typing away here I can already feel myself breaking down bit by bit, but trying hard not to let tears at the edge of my eyes fall. I have been boggling on whether to update a post about now, about this week, about this important part of my life. The answer was no, but right now I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. I Skyped Liana just now and realized how much I miss talking to someone. I talked to God, I prayed hard [okay crying I will continue later zzz]

[updated 2 days after the emo text above. Please do not read this if you are fed up of me being a cry baby and complain freak]

Hi. I survived all my emoness and tears. I didn't attempt to commit suicide but chose to give my parents and my brother a shock on Sunday evening. After typing all that up there I couldn't help it and went to the bathroom. Yeaps, cried a little in there and then held it back and thought I could handle it like a boss. Once I got into the living room, did something to distract myself and then I failed, then I cried on the couch while listening to my mom talk about her dream she had the other night or something. By this, you can see that I was very 'unstable' and wasn't paying attention at her story at all.

I cried for a whole hour. A WHOLE FRIGGIN HOUR. I couldn't stop. I didn't know how to. Usually when I know I'm gonna cry a lot I usually force myself to stop but it didn't work this time. I cried on the couch like a baby for about an hour, and when I went into my room I cried more. I even choked on toothpaste while brushing my teeth. Okay not funny.

I couldn't take it anymore. For the past week I have been busy planning on what to study, what to do blah blah blah. And I guess all the pressure got to me and I was still, unsure of what to do in the near future. My friends were so sure of what they wanted to do. Go on form six, go to college, be a doctor so on so forth. For me it was more of, 'what I don't want to do' instead of 'I want this and that'.

I applied for scholarships and other things and I didn't get any. I went through rejection 4 times in a row that week (My appeal for my Chemistry paper was renied, I failed to enter the teachers training college, Application for both JPA and Petronas scholarship were declined. There you go! 4 BIG NOs SLAMMED IN YOUR FACE!! + the matriculation in Labuan also I failed to get in!! But then it was either form six or matrix so I guess that doesn't count. But then again I paid 6 bucks for the application pin!! NOOOO!!!!).

My former classmates and friends who applied for teachers training college all got an acceptance, but me. Marie got both Petronas AND JPA. My other friends also got into matriculation and they were all celebrating and inside I was like, FFFFFFFFUUUUUUU and I was really pissed because I knew that I had the potential to get it but I failed miserably :(((((( I'm truly and really happy for my friends and what do I get? A suckish feeling of failure, stinky ol' failure.

And then there is the pressure. Not really from my parents but other people ie close family members and friends. Seriously I hope they would mind their own business and not stick their noses into mine/ours. I was enjoying my meal one day and met a couple who were close to my family so they asked my parents what I wanted to do. And then my parents gave them the very honest, 'Oh, don't know yet go form six first' answer. Then the uncle gave me a disgusted look as if I was dug out from the dumpster or something and told me, 'what? you haven't decided yet? How much time do you have left and here you are doing nothing? You better decide if not you will be wasting your time (and it goes on)'

Lost my appetite then. Sad.

Perhaps many people ask about my studies because they care for me. But hello?!?! I know humans aren't perfect and maybe somehow they don't know how to express their care/concern for someone BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO?!?!

Can't you just say,
'oh it's okay. Take some time to think but don't take too long. No matter what I will support you.'

Lord bless whoever that person is who says that to me!! I thank You for them!!

Easy to get a response like that? Nope. Even if I tell them what I want to do, say 'a teacher', they would give you a harsh answer and blah blah blah blah. YOU TELL ME GOT PRESSURE OR NOT?!?!

So for that week I was really confused, upset, sad, angry, frustrated and most of the time LOST. I didn't want to form six. I never wanted to. And do I have a choice? Yes I do have other choices but what's wrong with form six? Nothing wrong, indeed. But I cannot convince myself that nothing is wrong because I am afraid of losing. Yes, afraid of losing. Why? Because when you tell people that you are going back to your high school to do form six they will give you the disgusted/pity look and ask, 'Why you wanna take form six? Why no take A levels or foundation or SAM?' My answer is I don't know so shut up and let me do my form six. I know that for one, form six is hard. Two, form six is not as 'recommended' compared to A levels/matriculation/foundation. Three, it takes a longer time to finish. As a kid I knew I don't wanna do form six, last year I was stern and studied hard to not put myself in form six (because people say form six are for those who didn't do well etc) but then this happened.

You think I didn't try? You think I am desperate to go into form six because I love it like a love song? NO. It's because I don't have much choices and I (plus my parents) chose what I/we think it's best for me, and my further studies. If form six is so bad as everyone said then why is it still alive, and why are students opting for it?

I just needed to cry because I have sucked in the tears for one whole week (and maybe longer). I assume the tears shed in that one hour can make 3 cups of green tea (salty one) but it was such a relief and I finally accepted the fact that I'm going to form six. It's nothing bad, so why not give it a try?

Today I registered for form six. Wherever this takes me to it's a step that I take in my journey of life. Good or bad I'm going to finish it because I chose it, and I believe that God has prepared it for me as well. I'm not a quitter, and I will definitely not give up.

In years to come I might look back at this incident I had, and hopefully I've grown stronger because of this (:

1 comment:

Liana said...

*hugs* I love you and God loves you more :)